Upon reflection

Firstly let me just point out that I am so happy or at ease right now. I have my mp3 player blaring in my ears and I know that I don't have to get up early tomorrow. Don't start work until 6pm which is awesome. Let it also be known that I love my job, actually considered getting a gaming license as that would mean extra shifts, but apparently they cost like $200. The only thing i really need right now is for the real estate to contact me. yes I have itchy feet just now but I reckon that will sort itself when I get my own place. Things are working out, slowly but they are getting there. I think I will do all the necessary stuff in Maryborough like rent for a while, get some references, get some money behind me and learn to drive and once that is sorted then I can go wherever I want.

Anyway to my point of this entry, which normally would be saved for the other blog but i felt it was appropriate to this one.

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28th DECEMBER 2007: Graham and I are planning on moving to Australia and I don't mean in five years time or whatever, I mean NOW! At the start of January we are going to start filling in all of the necessary forms etc and we are aiming to be there by the summer of 2009 at the latest. We both just realised that we are still young and we have our entire lives ahead of us so why should we stay stuck in the one place. Obviously I will miss my friends and my family but it's a price I am willing to pay. To be honest it would nice to actually meet my dad's side of the family, he is an Aussie you see. Woohoo for dual nationality! Anywhere is better than here. We don't have a mortgage or children or pets and it's not like we won't be able to get jobs over there, they are choking for teachers and ironically enough Journalists right now. We will stay for a year, come home visit people and then decide if we love or hate it. I honestly don't think we will hate it though. It's too good an opportunity to miss out on. The more I think of it the more I just want to get on that plane. Hell in my head I am already there, says a lot really! That's why if you had a nosey at my profile the location says Australia, I am of course still here in bonnie Scotland...in body at least. There really isn't a whole lot that will stop me now!

13th SEPTEMBER 2008: Truth be told I need to feel like I am the most important thing in Graham's life again. Kinda feeling like even though I know he loves kinda feel like he is just biding his time until we get to Australia. I think it's mostly just that I can't see him as much as I would like for two major reasons A) he can't get a lift and B) he now spends all his time in London cos he is working and moving there. The worst thing is I know he loves it there and have this gut wrenching feeling that he won't want to leave his new job and will get too comfortable with the two guys he is moving in with. I can say all I want that I will be fine going to Australia myself and I don't doubt that if it came down to it I would be eventually but I am totally paranoid just now"

Like I said in my most recent twitter entry, It's funny how you predict things in your life. The two paragraphs are copied from previous blog entries and actually they have left me feeling a little serene. The first one of the two, sure I am talking about how Graham and I planned this big move but note the last line "There really isn't a whole lot that will stop me now!"

I never said "there really isn't a whole lot that will stop us now!" I said me. I never implied us in that last line. Ironically we were still ok at this point, in fact we were still good at this point but yet while writing a random online blog entry I subconsciously knew that this was my adventure. Weird huh? Or is that just me. Reflecting on these sorta things is interesting to me. Makes me see things in an entirely new perspective. Even the "hell in my head I am already there" surely at that point I should have been saying that we were already there. Peculiar.

As for the second part, well yeah things were pretty shit by this point, in fact by this point I think we were both clutching at straws hoping that we didn't have to face the big bad world alone, god forbid we would have to leave our comfort zones. This second part proves a point as far as I am concerned, my gut feelings are never wrong. I should have listened to my gut and perhaps I could have saved myself some of the heartache. Truthfully thought I didn't want to admit it to myself, even though clearly all the signals were pointing to me coming to Australia on my own. It all panned out the way it was meant to, this was clearly the path that I was supposed to walk. And to this day I still do not regret anything about the relationship between Graham and me. In fact quite the opposite. I am thankful for it and he was meant to come into my life but it was obviously not destined to be a permanent thing. We had two very different roads to walk along and up to a point, the point where the road forked, we were walking hand in hand along the same road. I guess people fall in love and sometimes it works and the couple end up with the happily ever after ending and in other cases, the love could still be there but you are meant to take separate journeys. I will always be glad he came into my life and will be forever proud of myself for actually getting here, alone or not.

I have a new love and it is so different to what Graham and I shared, in some ways it is better. But in everyway, even with some similarities, it is different. It is new and it's the way love should feel. Maybe it won't last, maybe we will end up with the fairytale ending. Whatever is meant to happen, I intend on enjoying and making the most of it.

I babble too much for sure. But like I mentioned I was simply reflecting on things past and feeling really good about that and the future that lies before me.

Vicky ****